One of my greatest insecurities was whether people would still love me even if I didn’t have all the answers, or if I stopped doing good work. Would they be run away if they saw how broken I was? Would they think I’m “too much”?
2021 was the year that my great fears became a reality. My relationship broke down, church got messy and pressure at work took its toll. My people-pleasing perfectionism has always been driven by my fear of hurting and angering others from my failures. But instead I found myself letting people down, people letting me down, and being filled with anger, sadness and confusion over different hurts.
The pressure to keep it together has always been hard for me, and I have always tried to push forward regardless if I was at breaking point. The disaster of this plan became very real to me recently when my body shut down from all the stress. The combined experience of mentally, emotionally and physically not being able to keep it together has been quite hard to recover from, and I hope for those who find themselves in similar seasons, that they aren’t alone in feeling the (often self-inflicted) pressure of the world on their shoulders.
Yet the thing about seasons like this is that when you know the Lord, there is hope. When you know the power of Jesus’ resurrection, you can find comfort that He too knows our suffering (if not more). Jesus gravitates towards us in our pain and is present with us in steadfast love, as He fulfills his promise of redeeming it for our good. It is this truth, that I am confident in, that I clung to and pressed on in the midst of all the tears.
Ultimately it is the Lord who heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalms 147:3). As this happens, I’m in awe of how the experience has changed me and enabled me to comfort others more richly (2 Corinthians 1:4). I’ve been humbled by the reminder that I am not in control of everything and not responsible for everything. Could you imagine if I was!
Being in church ministry for a few years, my people-pleasing perfectionism has probably caused more trouble and disappointment for me. I’ve been reading through ‘Lead’ by Paul David Tripp, a book focused gospel-led leadership in the church and leading healthy ministry communities. It’s been refreshing to be reminded that our successes and failures are not defined by what we achieve; rather it is the mark or aroma of our faithfulnesses in the service.
As a leader (or a human being), we don’t know everything, we can’t do everything, we aren’t completely mature and we don’t have inexhaustible energy. As PDT reminds us, it is here that the gospel is such a sweet encouragement. God doesn’t send us out on our own; where he sends us, he goes too. I’ve been encouraged by this truth — to serve and live my life faithfully, and leave the rest entirely up to his sovereignty and the power of his grace. Therefore, I must press on, straining forward to what lies ahead (Philippians 3:13).
“The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” — Philippians 4:5b-6.
