I read a lot of “self-help”/mental health resources, mainly because I admittedly find a lot of validation and assurance in that space. Especially whenever a new chapter in life comes, I often struggle with my emotions, fixated on understanding why I reacted “imperfectly” to certain situations. Talking to others and going to therapy helped offset a lot of the deep sadness, frustration and shame I initially didn’t want to deal with, but I still yearn for the easier yet unrealistic path of euphoric happiness.
I’ve long wrestled with the idea of perfectionism — the idea of performing and even feeling without flaw or fault. I don’t think it’s quite loving way to live, and so by default it seems to be an unloving, if not self-loathing mindset. A perfectionist’s internal soundtrack typically is not forgiving, not kind and not gentle. Most importantly, the mind simply cannot compute “imperfect” works, emotions, relationships, memories etc, which just leads to “imperfect” reactions…which leads to not being able to compute said imperfect reaction…which leads to…and you get the picture.
Recently I’ve been reading “Untangling Emotions” by J. Alasdair Groves, Winston T. Smith, which has helped me think through this topic in a biblical framework. The book makes the point that while we may have a physical experience of emotions that can influence our reaction to situations, it does not totally control it (which I interpreted as there being another dimension to emotions, one that is not black and white). The authors argues: “At the core, dealing with difficult emotions always comes back to growing in love for what God loves, hate for what God hates, and an ever-deepening relationship with God through every emotion.”
I know a lot of people avoid negative emotions for various reasons. In Christian circles, I find there is an incorrect view as faithlessness (which makes no sense given there is a lot of lamenting in the Old Testament, and Jesus himself expressed grief and anger as documented by eyewitness accounts). In SE Asian migrant families, we don’t make a big deal out it because it’s viewed as unimportant and not an honourable thing to talk about. Or simply it’s just a can of worms to open.
It took me a really long time to understand that the emotions that I felt were actually a way for me to respond and express my heart in all things, one that was utterly shattered by the grace of God a few years back in understanding Jesus came to save, not to condemn (that doesn’t mean there is consequences though btw). For my Christian readers, you would understand when I say that, with a gospel lens and the Spirit’s help, it is genuinely possible to grow in controlling anger, to deepen our compassion, grieve with hope, and find joy in the midst of trials. Please know this doesn’t come overnight, nor is it promised to.
While mental tips and tricks are helpful if not valuable as a coping mechanism, it is the living God whose words have the power to create good from darkness (Genesis 1:1). So I end this post with the following bible verse as its a great model of grace and hope — two terms that are rarely associated with perfectionism.
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer… Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.
Romans 12:12, 15-16 ESV
